Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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