did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
