I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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