I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
how does that bad decision feel?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
