Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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