my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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