I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my being single is dangerous.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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