he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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