so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
