Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
