Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
