i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
