I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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