GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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