A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
