So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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