Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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