Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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