I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
