ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
