I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
