Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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