It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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