can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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