Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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