this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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