i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You pole danced in your parka.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
