I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
