the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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