i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Randomize
