Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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