Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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