so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Randomize
