the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
