Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sober January is a disaster.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
