so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
