if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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