Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
