Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I wear drunk well.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
