how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
