so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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