nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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