did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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