There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
