I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
