So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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