ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just found puke in my bra..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
