i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
