I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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