just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
