There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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