that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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