I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
